Everything I need to unlearn from Prison
Things like PTSD and mental illness are frowned upon in prison. There are rules and regulations on where inmates can be housed or what prison they can move to based on their daily medication intake. Call me crazy, but I was nervous or apprehensive about sharing anything ‘real’ with the medical/mental health staff. This is because I didn’t trust that what I said wouldn’t be shared with the correctional staff. On more than one occasion, this exact thing happened. My usual reaction was to shut off Interact and play their games. I wouldn’t confide in people on the phone because they are recorded. The random cell search made it impossible to journal as well. Most people would turn to a tried and true way of dealing with this type of adversity: “Drugs!” Drugs and money are the cause and solution to almost all of the issues in the world. You are sick — take drugs. You are borderline homeless because of the piling bills — get money. If you buy drugs to suppress your emotions using the money set aside for bills, that’s when you’re in trouble. Now it becomes a real dilemma.
Let’s get back to the main theme. Like most inmates, I also struggled with all of these competing thoughts and my lack of trust in the DOC’s healthcare and the DOC as an institution in general. The thing that kept me grounded was my ability to remain sober, even behind bars. The clear thoughts were easier to process sober. I am sure drugs were around I just didn’t want them. Drugs already consumed too much of my life. If I can give anyone advice about prison it would be don’t get high, don’t gamble, ( unless you can afford it), and don’t make too many friends. At the end of the day, the version of the person you meet inside can be the BEST possible version of that person. It’s not a dig, but three meals a day, free housing, a shower, etc. Those things, some people take these for granted but take those things away and that same person can get desperate.
Some of the main things I desperately need to unlearn is that most homes have multiple bowls and cups. In prison, you have one bowl and one cup. They are ordered in the canteen and if you don’t have either it’s nearly impossible to eat or drink outside of the chow hall.
Use a brand-new roll of toilet paper as a paper towel, tissues, cleaning rags, towels, etc. In prison, you get two towels if you are lucky. The longer you are there the more you need to clean and wipe your hands off. A roll of towel paper is one of the most critical things in prison. I was in a facility that gave inmates some weekly. There were also options in the canteen. If you can afford it, consider buying some extra rolls.
Interact with as few people as possible. Earlier I talked about not making too many friends. This is a touch different. Taking it a step further, I mean interesting intellectual conversations. I have been home for two years and by default, I prefer to be alone in my room with the door closed and locked. Some days I might hallucinate and hear the jingle or rattle of keys coming down the hallway. Frantically I look around my desk for exposed contraband to stash before the screw makes it to my cell. Of course, I am exaggerating, but these are thoughts and actions I do or have done in the past.
Moving from 0–100 with angry thoughts. I seem to get very frustrated with people a lot quicker. I am sure my cardiovascular system and recent diagnostic tests could attest to this fact. Since prison, I have become allergic to silliness and uneducated or uninformed ways of thinking. The self-preservation way of shutting down in prison has really hindered my ability to experience the range of emotions on the spectrum. Prison allows two emotions: Happy and Unhappy. Being happy is a variation of not being unhappy. It is mostly anger, rage, or something else that makes people unhappy. Those three can become violent when needed. I am sure I felt unheard, or marginalized but to vocalize that in prison would not have been received well.
This is just a quick list of a few things I need to unlearn. The full list will be available once I find a therapist that truly understands the abuse most inmates experience while inside. Feelings of inadequacy once released. PTSD gets irritated every time I fill out a job application and have to discuss my charges and convictions.
